the gates of heaven are opened

friday september 16, 2005
on this morning my mother called to tell me my grandmother in malaysia passed away in the middle of the night. her name is rouquiyah binti musa. i carry her name as my middle name. i feel so sad for my father but we've never had the language to talk about his feelings. my mother says my father has been sick for a few days. i know its psychosomatic. the body knows when to mourn. my mother asked me to recite some quranic verses for her. atleast the ones i can recall from those sunday school days. she knows i am not a practicing muslim. i feel guilty and regretful. ina lillahi wa ina ileyhi rajioon i pray for you grandma. i only wish i knew you better. i wish the ocean wasn't so wide. i know i will see you in the next life. maybe the sun never sets in heaven. maybe heaven is just another parallel reality where you, grandma, never lived through wars, where you were never separated from father/from us, where you still have a home, a husband, all your children... a place where happiness isn't a guilty pleasure...where it isn't so illusive.ina lillahi wa ina ileyhi rajioon i pray for my father and his heavy heart. ina lillahi wa ina ileyhi rajioon

[the last time i saw my grandmother jan 2003. she loved her milieu-beetlenut chewing tobacco-like substance that turned her teeth orange]


[my parents on their wedding day with my father's family]